Painful Productivity: A Guide to Avoiding Toxic Coaches
- Painful Productivity: A Guide to Avoiding Toxic Coaches
- What to look for in a coach
- The difference between coaching and therapy
- When to fire me
This is the annotated version of my April Fool’s post, Painful Productivity. I’ll break down the toxic patterns I see in the coaching industry to help you spot them.
Are you wasting your life away in your mom’s basement because you’re too lazy to follow through on anything?
Toxic coaches judge your pain points. Good coaches empathize with them.
If you don’t get out soon, you’ll never be able to catch up! You’ll die alone!
Toxic coaches stoke fear by pretending they can tell the future.
Are you willing to settle for that?
They ask leading questions to prime you to agree to with them.
You need to get your life together. You could try to buckle down, but who are you kidding? You’ll fail. You need to hire a coach if you’re going to stand a chance.
Toxic coaches claim that you need a coach to succeed. Good ones know they’re just one option.
Introducing Painful Productivity!
With my unique Painful Productivity method, you’re guaranteed to finish your novel, buy your own place, and impress all your friends in 30 days!*
Toxic coaches promise concrete results in specific time frames, which no one can guarantee. Good ones are honest about what’s possible and typical.
*You can only get a refund if you try all the icky things I tell you to do and they STILL don’t work.
There are catches to toxic coaches’ money-back “guarantees.”
My name is Mirror Universe Presley and I’ll be your coach. I got certified last weekend by GetRichQuickScheme.com and I’m the world’s foremost leader in shaming people into working themselves into burnout!
Certifications and boasts do not guarantee that a coach is ethical or competent.
Testimonials
You could be exactly like my single most satisfied client!
Painful Productivity CHANGED MY LIFE! One time Mirror Universe Presley JUST LOOKED AT ME and then I had MY MILLION DOLLAR IDEA!
– Jane Doe, Chief Executive Girl Boss of Get Rich By Exploiting The Global Majority, LLC
Toxic coaches often coach other toxic coaches, so their reviews may be glowing…and implausible.
Are you good enough to buy Painful Productivity?
This package is NOT for you if:
- You enjoy being a loser
Toxic coaches’ “not for you” section is designed to manipulate you into wanting their approval. Good ones use this section to help you avoid buying a package that won’t benefit you.
- You’re not ready to DO THE WORK, no matter how painful it is
This is one of my personal pet peeves. Toxic coaches blame the clients that they fail to help. Good ones know how to work with your resistance to doing the work, or refer out to people who can.
- You don’t believe that you’re worth the investment
Toxic coaches frame all money questions in terms of desire and belief. Good coaches know that ability to pay is a real factor.
My Unique Framework
Painful Productivity has a unique 3-step framework to fix everything that’s wrong with you:
- First, I’ll tell you to use the life hacks that worked for me. If they don’t work for you, that’s your fault!
- Second, I’ll hype you up and then use your fear of disappointing me to motivate you. I’ll call it “accountability”!
- Third, I’ll tell you that you’re letting yourself down if you try to quit the program!
Toxic coaches rely on over-generalized advice and emotional manipulation. Good coaches rely on a little thing called coaching technique, which I’ll be talking about in my newsletter this month.
Remember: the pain is how you know it’s working!
The results are how you know it’s working.
Act Now!
Painful Productivity is valued at $69,420!
Toxic coaches make up absurd values to make their actual price seem like more of a deal.
But it’s on sale for only $9,999!
Remember, if you want to manifest abundance, you have to show the universe that you believe in it!
Toxic coaches encourage people to spend more than they can afford.
But this sale is only good for the next 37 minutes! You can “sleep on it” when you’re dead!
Toxic coaches use extreme and/or fake time pressure to get you to buy without thinking it over. Good coaches may use reasonable deadlines to bring you into the decision-making process, but not to skip over it.
Buy now or miss out forever!
If you ever feel the need for a coach, I hope this collection of common red flags and unethical selling techniques helps you protect yourself and find someone that makes you feel empowered, supported, and respected.
For more clarity on how effective life coaching actually works, subscribe to my newsletter — that’s going to be the topic of my emails in April.