The difference between coaching and therapy

The most common question I get is “what is the difference between life coaching and therapy?”

And I’ll answer it, I promise. But unlike most articles on this topic, I want to start by acknowledging that they are similar and explaining why that’s okay.

Convergent evolution of the helping professions

I think it’s a really good sign that some therapists, coaches, and spiritual guides are starting to converge on similar methods and share their modalities with each other. I think that’s happening because we’re finding what works for the human psyche.

I don’t think these providers are doing completely different kinds of work. I see them as helping people go through the same natural human process under different circumstances. In some circumstances, we call the result of this process “healing.” In some, we call it “growth.” And in others, we call it “awakening.”

Since we’re all interfacing with the same human process, it’s natural that we’d find success with the same basic principles and methods. But since we’re working under different circumstances, it’s also natural that we need to tweak and supplement those basic methods in different ways.

Healing vs Growth

When people ask about coaching vs. therapy, often what they’re concerned about is trauma. What counts as healing trauma, generally agreed to be the domain of therapists¹, and what counts as personal growth instead?

Some coaches try to draw the line by saying “therapists work with the past, and coaches work with the future.” But I don’t think that idea really holds up. I think all of us are working with the client’s beliefs that exist in the present, which are based on the past, and which must change in order for the future to play out the way the client wants.

Even if the client doesn’t retell a memory from their past, any transformational work is somehow accessing and changing those beliefs. The only alternative is for the client to push through their resistance in spite of their unchanged beliefs, and I consider that approach less ethical because it won’t work forever and it can add a layer of shame onto the problem in the meantime.

Fortunately, not all harmful beliefs left behind by adverse events are the same. Some rise to the level of what we typically mean when we say “trauma,” while others are less overwhelming.

Trauma

One of the common definitions of trauma is that it’s a memory that didn’t get processed the same as other memories: instead of having a beginning, middle, and end, it’s a cacophony of sensory snapshots. When these strangely processed memories come back into consciousness (without the aid of a technique for reprocessing them), they make the person feel like the traumatic event is actually happening again.

Sometimes people’s minds use dissociation to prevent these flashbacks. Everyone dissociates to some degree, but trauma can drive very strong types of dissociation, to the point of losing touch with one’s physical sensations or partitioning their consciousness into alters.

Some people cope with the intensity by drowning it out with numbing agents, like drugs and alcohol, or with other feelings, like physical pain or adrenaline.

These are signs of trauma, and more to the point, they are signs that processing the trauma carries risk:

• flashbacks suggest a risk of re-traumatization
• severe dissociation suggests a risk of re-traumatization once the dissociative barrier is lowered
• a history of harmful coping mechanisms suggest a risk of engaging in those harmful activities after the traumatic material is accessed

Therapists are not magically immune to these risks. But a good trauma therapist will have studied how to minimize these risks as much as possible, and will have plans and resources for coping with them if they come to pass. As a coach, although I learn what I can about minimizing these risks just to be on the safe side, I don’t have the same resources. So, I don’t work with people who display these signs.

Limiting Beliefs

Sometimes, people process memories in the normal way, but still take away an unhealthy lesson from that memory. Some people call these “limiting beliefs,” and while that term is associated with a different style of coaching than mine, I think the phrase itself is pretty accurate. We all have these and they’re much easier and safer to work with than the trauma described above.

Therapists Robin Ticic and Bruce Eckert and coach Elise Kushner wrote The Listening Book, on how to listen to people in a way that is effective and, yes, healing. One of their examples is of someone listening in a way that created a memory reconsolidation — a transformation of one of those unhealthy beliefs — for her friend. They encourage others to follow suit, not by “therapizing” their friends of course, but by listening in a way that supports this natural human process.

So there’s nothing magical about life coaches, either. We don’t give you anything you can’t get from a beautiful conversation or awe-inspiring experience. We just know how to guide you into that experience on purpose, reliably, so that you don’t have to wait years for it to happen to take place.

In my practice, I work with people whose limiting beliefs, like “I have to be perfect” or “I have to keep everyone happy with me” or “My worth derives from what I produce”, affect their ability to use their time intentionally. They might procrastinate, overwork, have trouble prioritizing, say yes to things they don’t want to do, or be afraid to make their work public. These things are frustrating them and holding them back, but not endangering their lives.

Different types of relationships

Two other important differences between coaches and therapists have to do with the way they relate to their clients.

Consent and authority

Therapists have a certain amount of power over clients. They may be required to report clients to the authorities in certain circumstances, they can have people involuntarily institutionalized, and people can be court-ordered to see them.

Coaches, on the other hand, can have a more egalitarian relationship with clients. There is a power imbalance even in the coaching relationship, because a coach can only help you if you lend them the power to do so. But the power imbalance can, and in my opinion should, be kept small, and the relationship should be based on consent.

I like to tell my clients that instead of thinking of me as an authority figure akin to a parent or teacher, they can think of me as a consultant that you hired for their expertise in a certain area. Instead of my area of expertise being something like graphic design or marketing, mine is in how to relate to your thoughts and feelings.

Attachment relationships

Attachment injuries, whether they’re of the “trauma” or “limiting belief” kind, are resolved through the experience of healthy attachment. In Internal Family Systems and related parts work modalities, the goal is for this healthy attachment to happen between the client and their inner child. But due to trauma, some clients can’t let their defenses down enough to be their own attachment figure at first. And so, even in IFS, therapists sometimes become attachment figures to their clients.

This is an intimate and influential relationship that requires special care. Thus, therapists are trained to expect and navigate attachment-related challenges.

In contrast, I literally “coach” my clients to do their own attachment work. If a client were unable to do so, I would refer them to a therapist.

Limitations to relationships

We’ve seen two ways that therapists can go “further” in their relationships with clients than coaches: they can exert more authority over clients, and they can act as a surrogate attachment figure to a client. Both of these factors increase the risk of the therapist harming the client, whether by taking advantage of the client or just by accident. So to limit the chances of that harm, therapists restrict their relationships with clients in other ways, such as avoiding any semblance of friendship with clients.

Since coaches don’t have such an extreme relationship inside of coaching, they similarly don’t need to restrict relationships to that extreme outside of coaching. Different coaches set different limits for themselves, but they should all avoid conflicts of interest and respect confidentiality.

Goal orientation

While there are exceptions, the typical model of therapy is to book sessions one at a time until you feel like you’re done, and to discuss whatever feels the most pressing at each session.

Coaching also has exceptions, but typically involves buying a package of sessions and setting a goal for the duration of that package.

I think of it like this: the therapist’s job is to help you keep your head above water. If one week, your job is the wave that’s coming at you, and the next week, your relationship is the wave that’s coming at you, then naturally, your therapist will help you with those different things each week.

On the other hand, the coach’s job is to take you from treading water to swimming in your desired direction. If you swim towards New Job Island one week, and towards Better Relationship Island the next week, you won’t arrive at either island very quickly. So it makes sense for coaching to be more organized around a goal. I tell my clients that our goals are like a north star, though — they set a direction, but there’s no hard deadline and we may revise the goal as we learn more.

To your good judgment

I hope this sheds light on the difference between coaches and therapists in a way that empowers you to make healthy decisions. Because honestly, no one has The Answer on this topic. There is no one definition of a therapist, nor of a coach, and our big book of mental health conditions is more of an educated (and biased) guess than a scientific truth. All we have is our natural human ability to navigate complex and uncertain terrain.

If you’re curious whether working with me would be a good fit, sign up for a Clarity Call. You’ll see my screening questions as you book the call, which may answer your question right off the bat. Otherwise, you can go ahead with the call and we’ll talk about it. If we decide a therapist would be better for you, I can ask my networks for a referral.

1. Indigenous people have been treating trauma since before therapy was invented, so I don’t like to go so far as to say that no non-therapists should treat trauma. But trauma treatment involves extra risks as outlined in this post, so it’s important to do it with someone qualified to handle those risks. ↩︎

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