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How to ask for actually helpful advice

Have you ever asked friends or social media audience for advice, and the answers you got just made you feel worse?

I see so many posts where people get really honest about what they’re dealing with — imposter syndrome, writer’s block, analysis paralysis, and more. People are so willing to be vulnerable and open themselves up to help, which is amazing! But sometimes, they don’t get what they need out of the experience.

First of all, not everyone is good at really paying attention to what’s being asked and answering that question. People love to have the answers, so if you ask a question they don’t have the answer to, they might just answer a different question instead.

This drives me nuts, so if it bothers you too, I want to validate that! We can’t turn other people into good listeners, but we can listen to ourselves when our feelings get stepped on.

And there is another thing going on that you have some control over. A lot of these requests for advice share a productivity symptom and ask people how to treat that symptom, and that can bring in unhelpful advice.

End of Year Reflection Questions

One time a friend asked on social media “how do you know if therapy is helping?”

I think of that every time I prepare for a Reflection Session at the end of one of my coaching packages. I never want one of my clients to wonder whether coaching was helpful for them—much less to not even know how to tell if it was helpful for them!

So before the final session of any package, I read through my notes from every session in the package, and through any notes the client has shared with me. I compile the highlights into a Reflection Document, and we work through it in our final session, first looking back at what happened, and then looking forward at how the client wants to carry their progress into their everyday life.

I find this kind of reflection important in my own life, too. I don’t want to just float through the year without taking stock of what happened and consciously planning what I want to do next. It doesn’t necessarily have to be about self-improvement and New Year’s Resolutions. The important thing is just that my eyes are open, that I’m watching the passage of time, and my own personal evolution.

Even when you’re not in coaching, therapy, or other dedicated personal development work, you’re still growing and developing. Each year contains many moments of challenge, insight, and breakthrough. So I think my reflection questions can apply to the end of our year, as well.

So, join me in an End of Year Reflection!

How to get a New Year’s Resolution to stick

Imagine a family where every year, Mom tells the kids that this year, they really need to do their homework before they play video games. Mom is 100% sincere in her desire for the kids to do their homework first thing. She’s resolved. She’s committed. But the kids don’t do it. Why not?

Well it’s not much of a mystery, is it? The kids were the ones who needed to be resolved in order for this to happen. But they weren’t. Mom wanting it real bad doesn’t guarantee anything on their end.

The problem with New Year’s resolutions

That’s what goes on inside of us when we set a New Year’s Resolution in the usual way. A conscious—and conscientious—part of our personality sets the resolution. But in order to follow through with it, the subconscious, emotional parts of us—the parts that try to keep us rested and happy—have to be on board. Because those subconscious parts of us have a lot of say over what we do.