Why you don’t need more willpower
If you’re considering coaching, it’s probably because you do things you wish you didn’t do. Well, that’s weird, isn’t it? I mean, you’re the boss of you, right? Why do anything you don’t want to do? Stop hitting yourself!
Just kidding. Your plight makes perfect sense if we rephrase “you do things you wish you didn’t do” as “the subconscious parts of you do things the conscious parts of you wish they didn’t do.” When you think about yourself, it’s your conscious parts doing the thinking, so it’s easy to confuse “yourself” with just “the conscious parts of you.” That leaves the actions of your subconscious parts as this annoying mystery:
“Why do I waste time on the internet when the task in front of me is really important?”
“Why do I turn down a job interview that would be a great opportunity?”
“Why do I agree to do a task that isn’t my job even after telling myself I’m going to stand firm this time?”
Your subconscious parts aren’t chattering in your mind explaining their reasons—they just act. So their reasons aren’t clear to your conscious parts. Even the fact that they exist isn’t necessarily clear to your conscious parts!
But conscious parts crave explanations. When they don’t have an explanation, they make one up. And that’s how I figure we invented the idea of willpower. Somebody’s conscious parts couldn’t understand why they said “eat carrots” and the body reached for ice cream, and so those conscious parts invented the idea that there is a magical substance called willpower that is needed to turn desire into action. This body must be running low on that substance, right?
But we don’t need to appeal to a magical substance if we believe that we have not only conscious parts, but subconscious parts, too. The reason conscious parts don’t always get what they want is that they’re not the only ones calling the shots.
Even people who don’t believe in parts will kind of admit this; they just look down on subconscious parts as “primitive, animalistic drives.” But subconscious parts are important—even when they drive us nuts. When I help a client listen to their subconscious parts, often the first thing the parts ask the client to do is take better care of their body. They’re looking out for you in their own way!
When conscious parts think that they are the only parts, or at least the only good parts, they figure they need to find ways to exert more control. They may believe they need to “generate willpower” by appealing to fear or shame to motivate you. They may believe they need to “conserve willpower” by restricting your world (can’t waste time on TikTok if you delete the app! Checkmate!). It tends to work for a while, and then flop…because half of you isn’t on board with it!
Fortunately, there’s another option: we can get your conscious parts and your subconscious parts in touch with each other and working as a team. That sounds hard—how do we get the non-talking parts of us to talk? But it’s surprisingly easy! Our subconscious parts can communicate with us if we just get our conscious parts to make room for them for a minute. People have found lots of ways to get conscious parts to relax back, like taking psychedelics, dreaming, and hypnosis, but it can be even simpler than that. All you really need is:
- to focus on your body and mind, and
- to ask questions, within
- a sense of safety and trust
Can you focus on your body and your mind? If you regularly have trouble doing so, this might mean some of your parts feel pretty unsafe. I recommend starting with therapy rather than coaching in this case to make sure your parts get the level of care they need and deserve. If you have low interoception due to neurodivergence, on the other hand, you can just work with the information you’ve got.
Surely you can ask questions! So all that’s left is to create that sense of safety and trust. That’s where coaches come in. We guide you through the process of focusing and asking in a way that gradually increases your internal sense of safety and trust so that some parts of you are willing to relax and other parts are willing to communicate. Once your parts are acquainted, they start to realize they all have the same goals, but have different strategies for reaching those goals.
When we remove roadblocks to those goals, your parts are free to choose more harmonious strategies and start working together as a team. Finally, you’re free to do what you want to do—wholeheartedly.
Photo by Andres Ayrton